7 Ways to Connect With Your Partner When Sex is Off the Table

The first and most crucial step is to collectively broaden your definition of intimacy. Our culture often conflates intimacy with sex, but they are not one and the same. Sex is one expression of intimacy, but intimacy itself is the profound feeling of being seen, heard, and deeply connected to another person. It’s time to explore its other forms.

Four Pillars of Intimacy

• Emotional Intimacy: This is the foundation. It’s about sharing your vulnerabilities, fears, hopes, and joys without fear of judgment. It’s the safety of knowing your partner is your soft place to land.
• Intellectual Intimacy: This involves connecting on a mental level. Sharing ideas, debating topics you’re passionate about, reading the same book, or learning a new skill together stimulates the mind and creates a unique bond.
• Experiential Intimacy: This is built through shared experiences. It’s the ‘we’re in this together’ feeling you get from tackling a project, traveling to a new place, or simply navigating the day-to-day challenges of life as a team.
• Spiritual Intimacy: This doesn’t have to be religious. It can be about sharing core values, a sense of purpose, or moments of quiet reflection together, like watching a sunset or taking a walk in nature.

Sit down with your partner and have an open conversation about what makes each of you feel close and connected. You might be surprised to learn that for your partner, intimacy feels like you both laughing at an inside joke, or the way you listen intently when they talk about their day. By consciously acknowledging and nurturing these other forms of intimacy, you take the pressure off sex as the sole measure of your connection and open up a world of possibilities for closeness.

When intercourse is off the table, the absence of physical touch can be one of the most acute losses. Touch is a fundamental human need, releasing oxytocin—the ‘love hormone’—which promotes bonding and reduces stress. The key is to reintroduce touch without the expectation that it will lead to sex. This creates a safe space for both partners to enjoy physical affection for its own sake.

Ideas for Reclaiming Touch:

• The Six-Second Hug: Research suggests that a hug lasting at least six seconds can be enough to trigger an oxytocin release. Make it a daily ritual—when you leave for work, when you get home, or before you go to sleep.
• Cuddling and Spooning: Dedicate 15-20 minutes before sleep or after waking up to simply hold each other. No talking necessary. Just feel the warmth and rhythm of each other’s breathing.
• Sensate Focus: This is a technique often used in therapy. Set aside time where one partner gives and the other receives non-sexual, exploratory touch. Start with areas like the back, arms, and feet. The goal isn’t arousal, but simply to experience sensation and pleasure in a mindful, connected way.
• Casual Affection: Don’t underestimate the power of small gestures throughout the day. A hand on the small of their back as you pass in the kitchen, holding hands while watching TV, a lingering kiss goodbye, or stroking their hair. These small acts continuously reinforce your physical bond.

“Touch is the first language we learn. Reintroducing it without pressure or expectation reminds your bodies and your hearts that you are safe, loved, and connected, even when your lives feel chaotic.”

When you’re caught in a cycle of TTC stress or newborn exhaustion, it’s easy for your interactions to become purely transactional—’Did you schedule the appointment?’, ‘Is it your turn to feed the baby?’. It is vital to carve out intentional time to simply be a couple again, not just co-parents or partners-in-trying. Shared experiences are the glue that holds a relationship together, creating a bank of positive memories to draw from during tough times.

Creating Pockets of Connection:

1. Schedule a ‘Do-Nothing’ Date: Put it on the calendar. This is protected time. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. It could be 30 minutes on the porch after dinner with your phones turned off, or an hour on a Saturday morning dedicated to coffee and conversation. The only rule is that you focus entirely on each other.
2. Find a Shared Project or Hobby: Working towards a common goal builds a powerful sense of teamwork. This could be anything from putting together nursery furniture, starting a small garden, taking an online cooking class, or tackling a puzzle together. The activity itself is less important than the act of collaborating.
3. Get Out of the House: A change of scenery can do wonders for your perspective. Go for a walk in a park, visit a museum, or just take a drive. Experiencing something new together, however small, breaks the monotony and reminds you that you are partners in adventure.
4. Embrace Laughter and Play: Life is serious enough right now. Find ways to be silly together. Watch a comedy special, play a board game, or have a lighthearted competition. Laughter is a potent connector and an incredible stress reliever.

Communication is more than just talking; it’s about creating a space where both partners feel safe enough to be truly vulnerable. When sex is absent, emotional intimacy must fill the void, and that can only be built through honest, empathetic conversation.

Strategies for Deeper Conversation:

• The ‘Daily Check-in’: Make it a habit to ask each other more than just ‘How was your day?’. Try more specific, open-ended questions like: ‘What was the best part of your day today?’ and ‘What was the most challenging part?’. The key is to listen without immediately trying to solve the problem. Just listen to understand.
• Use ‘I Feel’ Statements: When discussing difficult topics, like the frustration around sex, frame it from your perspective. Instead of saying ‘You never want to be close to me,’ try ‘I feel lonely sometimes and I miss feeling physically close to you.’ This approach invites empathy rather than defensiveness.
• Schedule a ‘State of the Union’: Once a week or every two weeks, set aside time to talk about the relationship itself. What’s working well? Where are the friction points? What does each person need more of in the coming week? This proactive approach prevents resentment from building up.
• Practice Active Listening: When your partner is speaking, give them your full attention. Put your phone down, make eye contact, and reflect back what you hear them saying (‘So what I’m hearing is that you’re feeling really overwhelmed…’). This simple act makes your partner feel profoundly heard and validated.

Remember, the goal isn’t to agree on everything. The goal is to understand each other’s inner worlds. That is the essence of emotional connection.

In the absence of physical expression, your words carry even more weight. Verbal affirmations are a powerful way to remind your partner that they are loved, desired, and valued for who they are, not just for what their body can do. It’s about actively noticing and acknowledging the good.

Think of it as tending a garden; consistent watering and sunlight are needed for plants to thrive. Similarly, consistent verbal affection and appreciation are needed for a relationship to thrive, especially during a drought of physical intimacy.

How to Be More Verbally Affirming:

• Be Specific with Compliments: Instead of a generic ‘You’re great,’ try something specific. ‘I was so proud of how you handled that difficult conversation with your boss today,’ or ‘You are going to be such an incredible, patient dad, and I love watching you build the crib.’ Specificity shows you are paying attention.
• Express Gratitude for the Little Things: Acknowledge the daily efforts that often go unnoticed. ‘Thank you so much for getting up early and making coffee, it really started my day off right,’ or ‘I really appreciate you taking care of that errand for me, it took a lot off my plate.’
• Leave Notes or Send Texts: A small, unexpected message can brighten an entire day. A sticky note on the bathroom mirror that says ‘I love you,’ or a midday text that says ‘Thinking of you and can’t wait to see you tonight’ is a low-effort, high-impact way to show you care.
• Reminisce Together: Talk about your favorite memories as a couple. Recalling your first date, a favorite vacation, or the moment you decided to start a family reinforces your shared history and the foundation of love you built together.

The journey to and through parenthood can sometimes feel like it’s pitting you against each other. The stress of timed intercourse, the physical toll of pregnancy, or the sleep deprivation of new parenthood can create friction. A powerful way to reconnect is to consciously shift your mindset from ‘you vs. me’ to ‘us vs. the problem.’

Framing your challenges as a team mission transforms the dynamic. You are no longer adversaries in a struggle but partners with a shared objective. This builds camaraderie, mutual respect, and a deep sense of partnership that is a powerful form of intimacy in itself.

Ways to Foster a Team Mentality:

• Shared Responsibilities: Whether it’s tracking ovulation cycles, attending prenatal appointments, or splitting nighttime baby duties, make sure the load is shared equitably. For dads and non-birthing partners, actively asking ‘How can I help?’ and taking initiative is crucial. For the pregnant or postpartum partner, being specific about what you need is equally important.
• Become ‘Experts’ Together: You’re both new to this phase. Read the pregnancy books together. Attend a childbirth or newborn care class as a couple. Research strollers or car seats side-by-side. Learning and preparing together reinforces that you are equal partners on this journey.
• Create a ‘Family Mission Statement’: Sit down and talk about your values. What kind of parents do you want to be? What kind of family life do you want to create? Writing down a few key principles can serve as your north star when things get tough.

“When you stand shoulder-to-shoulder facing a common challenge, you create a bond that is unbreakable. The intimacy comes not from gazing at each other, but from gazing forward, together, in the same direction.”

When you’re bogged down in the difficult present, one of the most connecting things you can do is to lift your gaze to the future. Talking about your hopes and dreams—both for your growing family and for yourselves as individuals—reignites a sense of excitement and shared purpose. It reminds you that this current phase, however all-consuming it may feel, is just one chapter in your much larger story.

This isn’t about ignoring the present challenges, but about balancing them with a healthy dose of optimism and forward-looking energy. It’s a way of saying, ‘I still see a bright and beautiful future with you, beyond all of this.’

Dreaming as a Couple:

• Talk About Your Child: What are your hopes for them? What traditions do you want to start as a family? Do you want to teach them to ski, or to play the piano? Talking about the person you are creating together is a profound bonding experience.
• Plan a Post-Baby/Post-TTC Vacation: It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. Just the act of researching a destination and imagining yourselves there can provide a much-needed mental escape and something to look forward to.
• Discuss Your ‘Couple’ Goals: What do you want your relationship to look like in one year? In five years? Do you want to buy a house, start a new tradition, or learn a new skill together?
• Create a Visual ‘Dream Board’: Get some magazines, a poster board, and some glue. Spend an evening cutting out images and words that represent the future you want to build together. It’s a fun, creative, and tangible way to visualize your shared goals.

By dreaming together, you are actively co-authoring the next chapter of your life. This act of creation is a deeply intimate process that strengthens your commitment and reminds you of all the wonderful things that still lie ahead.